Serving my feelings…

Emotions

You  may ask…what exactly does it mean to “Serve Your Feelings”?

Welp…I’m no expert but here’s an abridged, personally curated version…It essentially means… Responding to an emotional trigger in a manner that only validates how you feel and what you think; not considering any other parties involved, potential consequences of your response, or room for acknowledgment of error. 

This week, I found myself feeling unable to effectively do my job, for either of my jobs, feeling physically stressed, emotionally overwhelmed, angry, frustrated, and overall just in my feelings.  I knew if I reported to work I would be unable to perform my job to respectable capacity if I wasn’t able or allowed to express how I felt, what it affected, or who should “fix it” and be held accountable.  It wasn’t until I processed my feelings, that I was able to consider how my lack of presence may have affected others and facilitated the possibility for positive change on that particular day.   I still feel like, for my emotional and physical safety, I made the right choice, but I can’t help but lament how I may have negatively affected some things too. Serving my feelings didn’t necessarily serve its purpose in this situation. 

Okay now…full transparency…I am and have always been a “Serve my feelings” kinda girl.  

If I feel it, I most likely say it, orrrr, I wear it on my face so clearly that I may as well say it. This goes for good and bad feelings, but mostly bad.  If I’m happy about something it’s not always as obvious. LOL…there are times that on the inside I am beaming with full-on glee, and look like I’m having a regular ole’day.

But honeeeeey…If I don’t like something, feel emotionally accosted, see my family or friends doing something “stupid”, feel like someone is slacking off on what they should be doing in my opinion, or feel otherwise offended…IT IS KNOWN…intentionally or not.  Selfishly, I tell myself that whatever is upsetting me needs to change, and whoever is doing it needs to change it.  Completely ignoring that my interpretation of a slight or a trigger doesn’t validate that there actually is one. Also ignoring that my responses to that trigger may have eliminated the possibility for change to come about, because now I’ve offended who’s offended me.  Unfortunately, there are more times than I’d like to remember that serving my feelings when it didn’t serve a positive purpose, did more harm than good. Long sentence short…Serving my feelings has not served me well.

Now…before you label me a self-centered monster…I must present a disclaimer.  By default of my strong personality (I’m an Aries), the fact that I’m an older sister, and was often relied on to be the “responsible one” as a kid and now as an adult…I was kind of forced into a role of being the “spokesperson” for me and others. I’ve always been the friend to stick up for her friends, the staff to ask the boss for clarity when everyone else wanted it but didn’t want to ask, the family mediator, the sister to speak up to mom for my siblings when they were in trouble, and the significant other to call “BS” when some foolishness went down. In other words, I speak what I feel.

When you have a strong, fiery, and confrontational personality, often you’ll find that those around you don’t challenge you as much as they probably should, and it’s a handicap. I admittedly (uncomfortable transparency here) became comfortable and took pride in the fact that other’s around me heeded what I said, respected my input, even sought it out, and adjustments were made when I called things out.  I told myself that I was doing the right thing, that what I said needed to be heard for the benefit of all involved.  I chastised friends, family, co-workers, significant others, strangers,…you name it. And then life humbled me…REEEEEPEATEDLY. 

After two abusive relationships (more on those another time), damaging a really essential friendship, growing more distant from some family members, all but demolishing my relationship with my mother, getting deeper into my faith, meeting some new friends not hesitant to call me on my ish, entering a relationship with a man who can gently but firmly call me on my ish, losing potential job and leadership opportunities due to perception of me, and some major self-reflection I identified that the major changes that had to be made, were with me.

Accepting how full of myself I had been and come across as, how blinded I was by feeling like my feelings had to always be validated, hearing how my actions structured the perception of me to others, and hearing how my actions made others feel was TOUGH, to say the least.  Self-reflection felt like self-infliction.  All the change that I thought I was encouraging with my harsh words and reaction was also changing how others felt about, felt toward and received me. I was now on the end of what I had unleashed so often, so freely… and it was brutal. Another awkward truth…the things I “called out” and change I tried to bring about was coming from a “good” place…but my delivery tinged with my feelings, ruined the messages so bad, that even if change came about, I didn’t realize at what cost. And I didn’t grow in the process.  

Though I’ve grown, I’m still working on and still struggle with speaking my mind with intention not dressed as conviction, void of selfish emotion, and with growth of all parties involved, in mind.  I’m more conscious of how I present my observations, suggestions, corrections, and reflections. I’m learning to self-assess why whatever the trigger is, “triggers” me in the first place and if it indicates change and growth needed in ME…not the recipient of my admonishments/suggestions (depending on who you ask *covers eyes*).  I accept that my worldview isn’t universal and sometimes all the people in my world need is my ear, some reassurance, and maybe some suggestions instead of mandates. 

I know that I am a work in progress, and progress is a process, but I also have to consistently remind myself that this applies to others as well.  Self-reflection is the key to self-correction, self-direction, and self-acceptance.  I will likely always “Serve my Feelings”, but can be more conscious of doing it in a way that assures that positive change can happen.  I am less effective as a wife, friend, family member, educator, clinician, and change maker if I am not my true self, but I know that what I show is as important as what I know. If you find yourself being accused of any or all of the things in this post…do some reflection…ask yourself does your insight seem to hurt more than help? Encourage those that you may have upset to honestly tell you how your actions make them feel AND be open to the feedback.  It may be a little uncomfortable but there is often discomfort in growth. Serving your feelings isn’t a bad thing…doing so and not considering others on the other hand…Well… let’s just say it’s probably not popular with the locals (your immediate circle).  I don’t have all the answers…but I’m tryna shed a little light on my dark so we can all be a little better.  

-MyLifeAsTheWyfe 

 

 

 

 

 

There is no growth without inconvenience…

*Deep Sigh 🙄* I haaaaaate being inconvenienced…I know most people do…but it causes me extreme frustration and lately minor anxiety. I’m not a perfectionist, but I need things to operate in decency and order, in order for me to feel “on my square”.

I know that things won’t always go as planned, but have you ever had one of those weeks where it feels like the universe is conspiring against you to make you feel nuttier than squirrel poop?! Welp…This girl right here is trudging through one of those, and Sweeeet Lord I’m ready for it to be over! When I say this week was a clusterf**k of minor crazy…Sheeesh!!! And to make it worse…I can’t even blame it on my monthly “lady time”…nope, that’s a whole separate beast on a whole separate week.

I mean…my students, my therapy clients, my therapy licensing board, my content department at work, the drivers on the highway, my clothes, my stockings (no seriously 😩 my stockings) my bank, the movie theater…you name it…they gave me the blues! Thank GOD for a praying husband, encouraging friends, a family group chat, and a dark sense of humor or I’d be sitting cross-legged in the middle of my bathroom floor rocking back and forth, humming “Amazing Grace” (not that there’s anything wrong with that…it’s just not my idea of a party). To say I’m SPENT after this trying week is an understatement.

When I hit rough patches like this, I try and make a point of identifying what is supposed to be learned or changed from this?…what can I take from this and apply to a situation later? What comes to mind is something that a very close friend (who also happens to have been our wedding officiant) said to us at the altar, and in our pre-wedding sit-down session…”There can be no love without inconvenience”.  While the words are a little different than the title…I’m finding that the concept is the same. One grows emotionally and mentally when working through major and minor inconveniences.  In this case…this week has forced me to “re-route” and recenter both emotionally and mentally.  How do I fix thee?… Let me count the ways…

  • My students – they have been increasingly oppositional and “off-task” this week and initially I internalized it as them just having an issue with me.  As result, I became unintentionally defensive and a little impatient with their teenage antics.  The truth is…it’s close to holiday time, nearing the end of the quarter, and the seasons are changing…and while that may not mean much to many…to teachers its significant. What I forgot to process is…that its significant for students too. SOOOOO I need to get out of my own head and be mindful of what they may need during this transitional period because they essentially take their cues from me.
  • My therapy clients – their lives don’t stop because I’m having a rough week…in fact they seem to encounter even more issues when I’m “off-center”; requiring more than I, at times, feel I am able to give, and I find myself wondering if I’m even helping.  However, they trust me to be open, honest, and effective in order for them to progress…that openness and honesty includes letting them know that I can identify with their daily stressors because I am experiencing my own…which helps me ultimately be more effective.
  • My two jobs – they both require a level of responsibility, diligence, focus, and punctuality from me that I unintentionally, but knowingly slack on sometimes.  My time management has always been an area of weakness for me and procrastination is the result.  The inconveniences I experienced at work this week could have been avoided on various levels if I had been more diligent and respectful of my own time and others’…I am responsible for fixing that and I will.
  • LOL…My clothes and my stockings (yes my stockings) – They don’t fit…there’s no fancy way to say that. However, the cause of that is my poor eating and health habits.  That sounds minor, but it affects me in a major way. I take on so many things that I often forget to care for myself in minor ways, like monitoring what I eat and how my lack of focus on increasing healthy life habits is affecting my weight, which in turn affects my body, which in turn affects my attitude toward myself, which affects my attitude toward everything else.  This week was a breaking point, my stockings were too tight and caused my feet to swell, freaked me out, and added to my stress…long story short…Now I’ve gotta take care of me physically, mentally and, emotionally.

All of this to say…these minor inconveniences this week caused me major frustration, anxiety, and made me feel a little defeated.  Usually when I feel this way I often essentially and emotionally “put my back against the wall” and fight like it’s me against the world, which in turn makes me defensive, snappy, and unfocused.  I’m currently rerouting my thought process regarding inconvenience and was able to find opportunities for growth.  Next week I’ll have a new go at it and see how much better I’ll fare with the changes I identified as needed this week.  If you find yourself smack dab in the middle of the kind of week I’m having…pause, take some mental inventory, and ask yourself what you can learn in the midst? how can you grow? what don’t you know? Hopefully, you’ll find some room from growth while you’re groaning! I sure did!

-MyLifeAsTheWyfe

100 Days in…Forever to Go!

 

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100 whole days since I was sworn in to the Williams administration and I must say…it’s been a dream. This time (10:00 am) on July 15, 2018, the madness was about to begin, Trust me when I say…minor mayhem ensued, to say the least…that day was a whirlwind (we’ll save that for another post…wheew chile).  But it was the best day of the beginning of the best days of my life!!! 

When the smoke cleared (don’t know if that was the steam coming from my ears *that will be explained in the later post mentioned above…lol* – or the cloud I was floating on) I was the proud owner of a shiny new husband, with papers to prove it! I couldn’t believe it…we really made it…let the adventures begin!

Since we’ve tied the knot, the questions I get most often are “How’s Married Life?” and “Do You Feel Any Different?“. The first few times I was asked, I never really had an answer, it was freaking me out a little little bit…and I’m thinking “Am I doing this right?” (hence the title of the blog…lol).  But as the days progress and I’ve had a little time to soak it all in…Here’s what I’ve got so far:

How’s Married Life?

  1. Married life for me is great!!! I get to plan my life with my Best Friend.  Sounds cliche’ but he really is my best friend! Cereal Dates, Marshall’s Runs, Saturday DVR marathons, inside jokes, You mean I get to keep it all!?
  2. Married life is definitely a mental shift. The reality that I was going to be someone’s forever was a little startling at first…but once I settled into it…It became kinda comforting…I’m alll in..fired up and ready to go! 
  3. Married life is an uncovering of sorts. I feel less guilty about expecting the Mr. to take care of me emotionally…he has always made an effort…but some days I intentionally kept feelings of doubt or insecurity to myself bc I didn’t want to overwhelm him. I am a little more open when I’m feeling “down” now and letting him in helps a lot. 

Do You Feel Any Different?

  1. I feel…”safe”…That’s the best way to describe it.  Trust me when I say…I’ve been through my share of shenanigans and foolishness…(I’ll share some of that when appropriate). In addition to the Mr. being tall and cuddly and making me feel physically safe…I am confident I can be my full conflictual self in ALLLL its glory and he’ll love me just the same (maybe not always like me…but love me…lol) 
  2. I feel like I have waaaaay more responsibilities…It’s probably all in my head…but I feel like every decision I make has to be considered in the scope of “How will this affect us both?” Some days that’s immense pressure…not the scary kind…but more like “Don’t do anything impulsive genius”…lol. (*Fun fact*…I’m an Aries so not being impulsive is waaaay hard
  3. I feel like I finally “got it right”…I never gave up on love but I wasn’t 100% convinced that a husband and wifedom was in the deck for me.  I had an annoying knack for choosing a$$hats for significant others and there were days when the Mr. made me believe he was reprising the role…LOL (Yikes!! sorry babe). But the journey to this destination proves that the Big Man Upstairs had his hand on this the whooole time. 

Will these answers change 200 days in…365 in…5 years in…?  I’m absolutely positive they will and I’m geared up for the journey.  Hopefully, you guys will stick it out with me and we’ll ride this roller coaster together.  For those of you still holding out hope, on your way down the aisle, living single and fancy free, or all the stages in between…Hang in there with me too. There will be a little bit of everything for everyone from my viewpoint in —My Life as the Wyfe 

It was never a dress and I love that…But this dang cape!!!

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Women’s Empowerment and the flying of the cape is in full force right now and I’m loving it! Never has there been quite a time like this to be unapologetically us! We are sprinkling our magic any and everywhere we go and the world is wide-eyed and watching! Women are an unmatchable power and the world is better for it.

Buuuut…with great power comes great responsibility and nobody shoulders responsibility quite like us. Problem is…man does that get rough some days…even if we don’t wanna say it.

I have always prided myself on being a full-fledged flyer of the cape and forcefully so…I’m a Superhero…Wife, Teacher, Therapist, Chef, Friend, Sister, Daughter and more…but I can honestly say…it’s heavy, and sometimes feels like more of a burden than glory to bask in. Simply put…today is one of the days that I am tired. Flat out tired…of wearing this dang cape. I’m currently sitting in my classroom at work at my desk, overwhelmed, eyes crossing, mind racing, plans brewing; thinking about home and the laundry piling, dishes stacking, and dinner ingredients waiting. All the while knowing that I’ll feel less like myself if I don’t complete all on my to-do list…while simultaneously feeling not at all like myself because I’m buried in my list of things to do.

Right now I feel like I can’t tell my butthole from my elbows and can’t figure which way is “up”.  Everything on my agenda this week requires the Superhero version of me and I flat out can’t find her. I’m overwhelmed, undermotivated, and super frustrated right now. What’s even worse is I feel even more lost typing that because anyone who knows me knows that I’m the queen of “keeping it all together”…or at least looking like I do.

I have to remind myself that it’s ok to be a little “off my square” and it’s more than ok…genius even…to let in some help. It’s not ok to pretend you’re ok and all the while feel less ok than you can put into words, all for the sake of “wearing the cape”. Contrary to popular belief, while we are magical we’re not invincible…and pretending we are actually makes us quite the opposite. We have to be sure to make sure we take a mental inventory from time to time…make sure we’re not running on “E”…or draining the “Her” trying to be the “HerO”. If your to-do list is too long, prioritize and make some “to-dos” “to-dont’s…tada disappear”. Tuck your cape in for a little, turn on the tv and take a breath. I’m gearing myself up to take my own advice…wish me luck. Hopefully tomorrow, I’ll be refreshed, recentered, and reset, flying my cape for the world to see…Here goes nothin!

-mylifeasthewyfe

I now pronounce you Coach & Wife…

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It’s the middle of October and officially Fall…The leaves are changing…the air is a little crisp…I can happily hop into my Uggs…and my annual inauguration to borderline insanity is in full swing!

The “Wife” thing…I’m pretty new at…97 days in to be exact….but this football spouse thing…I’ve been at for significantly longer and boy has it been a ride thus far.  Football invades every area of my life from about July to February (yay me!) and I’m smack dab in the middle of my season as we speak. I’m essentially the mad-hatter of football spouses…Emphasis on the “Mad” (crazy “mad” not “angry”…usually)…and the many hats require many “Me’s”

Let’s see…there’s:

The Coach’s Wife: The Mr. coaches High School Football (JV Head Coach)

The Madden Wife: The Mr. is an avid PS4 Madden NFL Gamer…(avid makes its sound really harmless and more like a cool hobby but ummmm…not quite) 

The NFL/College/Little Tike Football Fan Wife: The Mr. insists on consuming EVERY form of football that is televised & we have NFL Sunday Ticket…so help me Sweet Baby Jesus

Now don’t get me wrong…I’m a fan…I’ve been a loyal Dallas Cowboys fan for 31 years (spare me the boos and sideyes…lol). However, to say that being married to a coach, a ps4 Madden Junkie, and a fan, makes me teeter on the verge being a little batsh*t nutty…is an understatement. 

There’s the weekday practices that don’t send him home until 8-8:30 pm, only to arrive on the telephone talking to any assortment of coaches and players for another 40 minutes about more football stuff; a quick smooch and record paced rundown of my day (no worries I talk fast…I’m from Jersey) and his, over dinner. 

Then comes Madden (yippee skippee)…Again…I don’t wanna make it sound all bad…I grew up in a house with video games so gaming doesn’t infuriate me like some wives. Buuuuut…He and his childhood friends proceed to put on headsets and play in their own league and chat, yell, and “boy argue” (more like loud disagreeing) about more football for about 2-3 more hours (Jesus be a fence). 

Aaaand Cue Thursday – Monday…(Thursday) JV Football Game from 6-8:30 and then home to watch Thursday Night Football…(Friday) Varsity Football Game from (6-8:30) forgot to mention he’s a Varsity Assistant Coach too;…(Saturday) College Football ALLLLLLL Day unless I drag him out of the house (willingly of course), (Sunday)…Are You Ready for Some Footballlllll…Monday Night Football and the cycle continues. Lawdamercy

I love my Hubby Coach…I swear I do…and his high school players steal my heart every year. I was a cheerleader as a kid and a teenager so I love the games… I go happily every game and cheer them on from the gate ( I refuse to sit in the stands…but that’s a whole separate post…lol). Buuuuut, I’d be a big fat fibber if I didn’t say that there’s a slight relief and a little reprieve when high school football season tapers off and all that’s left is NFL and him yelling at the freakishly real players on Madden…I’ll get to snuggle him a little longer, “wife annoy” him a little more, and stand out in the cold a little less.  Any significant other’s who can relate…hang in there! You’re not alone!! And I won’t complain…after all…This is

-My Life as the Wyfe 

Mrs. Williams…

“A wise girl knows her limits, a smart girl knows that she has none.”

― Marilyn Monroe

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Who is she you ask?…Hmmmmm…where to begin? At the beginning is too far, too soon (we’ll get to the beginning before the “Wyfe” at some point) and at the end…well I’m not there yet sooooo…I’ll start smack dab in the middle of today.

She…I rather…am Dannielle C. Williams Inc.. (lol)…No really Inc…

I am a Full-Time High School English Teacher (pray for me); a part-time Mental Health, Family, and Relationship Therapist (pray some more); New Wife; Coach’s Wife (pray again); Older Sister (of 8); Grandchild, Niece, Cousin, Friend, and Now Blogger…whew!

I’ve always loved telling, reading, and hearing stories, and writing has come naturally to me since elementary school…so I guess this blog is a natural progression of a lot of my little loves into a new one.  I’m new to this so bear with me and hopefully, we can laugh, learn, and love each other through days when a little smile, wink, hug, or pat on the back is needed.

Talk To You Soon…First Blog Post Soon To Come… 😉

#mylifeasthewyfe #coachwife #footballwife #teacherwife #maddenwife #newwife